I'm rather put out about my famly's perception of me and I'm not sure how to take it. It's come about that they believe that part of this program that I'm being forced to go through will be medication. Their consensus seems to be that after my evaluation they will want to put me on meds for bipolar and ADD. I don't want to take it, and I don't to be told I should. I'm rather bothered by it and am unsure of what to do. I'm intelligent enough to manipulate my way out of being told I need it, but they feel I "should be honest" with the councillors. Is it going to alter my personality? I really don't know what to do or how to take any of this. It has me feeling cornered and misunderstood.
I'm able to function in society, maitain a job, hold relationship friendly or otherwise, and I realize when I'm doing it and handle it. What's so wrong or off about me that they think I need it..
I find myself wondering what I'm looking for in another person. Not that I'm looking, don't force it, it'll happen. Let it roll. I'm frustrated with people who want to change me, can't keep up, are flakes, complacent. I've heard "Too intense.", "Don't look at me like that." Then I have a tendency to get bored and be all over the place, I don't make it easy. I want to find someone who can run right there with me. A woman who wants me as much as I want them. I always seemed to be the more passionate one. I seek that force within someone. I'm done trying to fit into those stupid roles. I've always been the dominant one, but I've stopped pushing as I would have in the past. I want to have someone push me and not be intimidated when I push back. Chase and be Chased. I don't want the reigns anymore. I can and will take them put I don't want to have to. Passion, a force to be reckoned with, intensity...
I used to be too wrapped up in the future and my career. I learned the pros and cons of that mentality the hard way. I decided to worry about the here and now everything else be damned. Couldn't do that the easy way either. From those eras in my life I learned some things about myself a couple of which are that I'm stupidly stubborn and determined for whatever reason. Now it's up to be me to manage a balance between the two outlooks on life.
I have penchant for living hard and fast, there's no better fun, but what's it all worth if you're going nowhere. What do I want out of life. I've been presented by the powers that be with a new route to travel. Not one I planned or even something I ever wanted to do, but it's where I've ended up. I suppose this time I'll travel the road knowing that the things I encounter are deserving of attention and I should enjoy them, but the path is a way to a destination and be mindful that though there's nothing wrong with a good detour it's not end goal. A means to an end my friends.
- Music:the fan for the stove
What determines the merit of a desire?
Is there a specific determination about the origin of the craving for pain?
It rages terribly within our chests. Rattling ribs as bars of a cage.
There's no ultimate drive, just a myriad of un-graspable emotions.
Fleeting and yet stationary as an infinite repeat stalls its measures.
Giving it leave to play on, but never concluding the piece.
Our death will bring silence to the trembling symphony.
Tell me dear Bloods,
What's your instrument?
To what key does your dirge play?
Mark your clef, But drop restraining designation.
Do notes not exceed the confines of the register.
- Location:Bus stop
- Mood:Trapped, Rebelious, Lost
- Music:Cloud Atlas sextet
The road to somewhere in a nowhere begins,
Hope reappears as the darkness thins.
Previous spoken is commonly thought,
but for me the opposite is true more often than not.
Shadows cover, shrouding our devious desires,
brilliant night grants stars for viewing by warming fires.
A quiet peace, mistaken as eerie rather than simple calm,
Accompanying cool soothe thy burning palm.
Obligations are no matter for until early light the hurried rest.
The midnight hour once again for my sanity proves best.
It's several months later, but finally making good on my intentions to post some of my work. I wrote this one in Idaho with family while getting clean at one month sober I believe.
Sometimes the idea of choices is just that. Life, it seems, solely revolves around those who called themselves GENERATION X. They believe they were the last to do anything new, and that they left nothing to be done, no stone unturned. In reality their Legacy is a generation of resentful offspring with no desire to prove anything, and no faith in the adults they were trained to cater to. Reap what you sow when we decide to make mass graves of nursing homes and deem cemeteries obsolete. We'll leave you to contemplate your conquests, as alone as your egos left us.
- Location:Caldwell, Idaho
- Mood:reflective, resentful
- Music:The young and the hopeless - Good Charlotte
I've attempted to post this entry on three different occasions. Each time I've been summoned to do something else instead. A request by the lady for mine and my brothers help folding the cloth napkins. Father demanding my presence to accompany him for an evening cigarette. My third attempt was thwarted by his stating I needed to take Mamma Martinez a glass of water, a pastry, and an allergy pill. Everyone is now finally in bed and I was nominated to have my brothers cat sleep with me tonight because she's pissed at everyone else. There were other things I wanted to do, creating a more substantial entry among them, but as Ellen is shut in the office with me I don't see that happening. My writing and drawing will have to happen another time I suppose. Claw marks on the door will not be appreciated in the morning.
- Mood:put out
- Music:3 doors down - When I'm gone
I wish I still had my laptop. My psychotic ex-roommate stole both my Powerbook G4 and My Toshiba Satellite, along with everything else I owned. When My cousin went to work last night he allowed me the use of his newly acquired Lenova thinkpad. After this post I'm going to drag my ass upstairs to bed finally but for the last nearly eight hours I've been playing Assassin's Creed III and Fallout New Vegas. The latter reminds me immensely of Bioshock, unsurprising considering it's Bethesda. Having had to return it makes me miss my devices all over again. I lost everything and have to replace an entire live, including attire and daily necessities, so a new laptop is not in my foreseeable future. I'll make use of the access I've been given to the household office computer for now and the rare borrowing of my cous' for now. I'd forgotten what it was like to get lost in enjoying playing a game.
As a result of recent life experiences I have no trust left for people. Homos sapiens are some shifty heathens. Fool me once. Rebuild my life alone and with only myself in mind and an eye to my blood. Everyone else can go to hell. I'll be damned if I ever let someone fuck me over like that again. Helping others used to be in my nature but nurture has definitely annihilated that throughout my life.
Enough of that for now.
I've got some random musing I've written in notebooks and planners. Since I have this 'wonderful' Sunday off after a recharge of my average hours, I'll round 'em up to revise and post. They amuse me.
I haven't used or even looked at this account in years. Much like I spent a year out of contact with family and friends. I've returned to my blood, and as of late I've found myself dissatisfied with other sites vaguely resembling this one. None of them were quite right, all lacking that thing that made me jump aboard the lj train. Quite frankly some containing aspects that make me want to take a bat to whatever device I'm using at the time. Something to be said for this ones anonymity. I intend to be using this much more frequently, and others web mediums less. We'll see if I stick to my guns.
Polo's ironed, dickies are steamed, Name-tag in place, coffee's in a to-go mug, this post is almost over, and I'm off to work.
Good morning, so far anyway. Even with the insomnia, but I thrive on an hour and a half sleep.